yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
