how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
