This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
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You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
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You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
My butt remains clenched, sir.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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