Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
this hospital has no fireball
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
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