Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
