I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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