she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
