she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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