Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
