I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
