well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
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