I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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