I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Couch. On fire.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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