Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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