note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
