U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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