dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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