I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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