I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
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I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
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I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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