Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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