May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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