I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
