just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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