This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
