I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Randomize
