Will you blow on my dice?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
stop calling my apartment porn island.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
