It's Friday. Sex?
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
