I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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