Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
