so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
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