I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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