Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I need to sanitize my soul.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
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