I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
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He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
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Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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