You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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