I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
