Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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