This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Randomize
