My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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