Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
