So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
