I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
