I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
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