He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
