I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
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