what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
