I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
