I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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