I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
did you just send me my own nude
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
