Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
