Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
