I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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