I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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