Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
