woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
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