"it" just moved
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
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I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
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You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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