i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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