Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
