she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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