I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Randomize
