If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
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Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
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there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part