just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
