when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Randomize
